May 18-Writing Movies Nobody Would Make

Every once in a while, my feverish little mind comes up with some bizarre ideas for movies that, most likely, would not (and/or should not) ever be made…but still, how cool would it be if they were? Here’s a couple of my cinematic brainstorms –involving established characters-that I’m positive would be big winners at the box office…
“Why-Oh Silver?”- Every few years, someone tries to breathe new life into the classic old radio, movie, and TV hero the Lone Ranger- so, I’ve got one that’d make him a household favorite once again. In this one, we realize why the Lone Ranger named his horse Silver, and always carries those silver bullets-it’s because he was the Old West’s equivalent of a sort of “Van Helsing”- a sagebrush werewolf hunter! He and Tonto would travel thru the West, hunting down and dispatching werewolves-Tonto using his Native American tracking skills, along with some strange rituals he learned from his father, a shaman. The Ranger would wear a mask, because often, family members of a werewolf he’d slain were totally unaware of their loved one’s curse- and would accuse the Ranger of cold-blooded murder. We could even layer on more intrigue-
maybe Tonto had additional protective duties with the Ranger;
when a study of Tonto’s tribal language reveals that “Kemo Sabe”-the name he always calls his masked friend- translates
into “he who sucks”- a frontier man of medicine discovers the secret- the Ranger is actually- a vampire! Tonto protects his coffin during the day, and helps him track down outlaws who serve as his source of blood! The mask also serves another purpose- it shields him from sunlight! (Actually, after hearing this scenario, you may be calling me “Kemo Sabe”- due to the suckiness of the idea!)…here’s another one…
“Charlene Chan”- the character of the Honolulu detective Charlie Chan, that we all used to watch in those old movies
on channel 9 (alternating with Basil Rathbone’s Sherlock Holmes flicks) has been around a long time, and it’s been a while since somebody tried to revive the character. My idea-
change the “he’” to a “she”- have him be a beautiful young Chinese woman, very smart and contemporary- who works as a detective all over the world. She has two assistants- her brother, who was always considered the “number one son” in the family, and thought to be the biggest success- but has been a bit of a goof, and so can only find work as his sister’s lesser associate! Her other assistant- Bernice Brown (instead of “Birmingham Brown” in the old flicks)-her office manager and co-hort- but she’d have to be played by the great Wanda Sykes. They could investigate all the old school multiple suspect mysteries, and always have reasons for Charlene to be dressed in (or, almost dressed in) hot clothes-so the box office numbers would be astronomical, thanks to all the guys going to see the flick!
Remember, all these lame ideas are copyrighted by yours truly- but wait! There’s more! Check back tomorrow for an even MORE pitiful picture pitch!