3/20/2007

Have I mentioned that, in a scant seven weeks or so, we will FINALLY be screening the original Bela Lugosi “Dracula”?! Yes, Universal will at last give us exactly ONE run of the classic film that helped form the foundation of the Universal horror legacy. In preparing for this event- I was kind of struck by the whole notion- what’s so bad about being a vampire? The whole “no exposure to sunlight” thing? Yeah, I guess that could pretty much rule out a major portion of those tropical vacations, or visits to Disney World (oops- sorry- I mean, Universal Studios Florida…)And, I guess the necessity to sleep on your native soil might not be pleasant- even a Craftmatic adjustable bed isn’t too comfy when covered with a thin layer of good old American topsoil. Plus, the limited diet- ‘Hi, honey, what’s for dinner?…oh, not blood AGAIN!” might make things a little too routine- but- aren’t there some positive aspects of the whole vampire lifestyle? For example- you’re up all night! EVERY night! Cool! Think of all the night spots you can hit! Judging from Dracula, vampires are always decked out in that spiffy formal wear, so you’ll look high-fashion, no matter where you drop in. Onw word of caution- you’ll fit right in at any wedding reception, but- you may want to avoid the church service…you know, the whole cross thing…also, you may want to avoid Italian restaurants- or any place else that uses a lot of garlic. You can shop at the all-night grocery stores and avoid the crowds…oh, wait- that’s right, the “blood only” diet. So, back to the night spots- think of the fun you’ll have trolling for…uh…your next meal! Just remember, in the bars, everybody starts to look like a gourmet feast around closing time… Back to the avoiding of crowds…rarely will you fight traffic snarls if you’re cruising around all night. You might have some problems with finding street parking in certain areas- but, there are also wide open parking lots for closed businesses! Matter of fact- why even worry about a car? You’re a vampire, remember? What that means is- you can fly! Simply transform into a bat, and your next non-stop flight is ready to depart! You’re also sonar equipped, to avoid obstacles, plus, you get that aerobic benefit of hanging upside down. In cold weather, always remember to apply de-icer to your wings- kinda like a roll-on deodorant. Think about this- as long as you get your minimum daily requirement of plasma- you’re never going to be sick! Keep in mind, you will live forever…which means you’ll outlive your mortgage payments, your annoying neighbors, the brother-in-law who keeps borrowing money from you, and the network run of “According to Jim.” Life- I mean, non-life- is good. One final warning- if you’re a vampire, you might want to avoid camping…with the tents, there are just a few too many stakes around.